The Iowa Conspiracy Theory
To: President of USA From: Head of FBI Subject: The Iowa Conspiracy Theory
The following is a transcript of a conversation between Mr. Paralovnoid (P.) and Mr. Goodyokefellow (G.) which was captured by a wiretap, legally authorized by one of the judges of Para-Iowa.
I am requesting a raise in next year's budget. We need the raise to buy yellow jackets, because people are beginning to dimly remember the white jackets. The second (and more important reason) for our need for more money will become obvious once you read the end of the transcript.
The transcript starts here.
Iowa does not exist. At least, not the way most people think it does. We're not sure exactly what is there. There are few interesting theories, such as the Para-Iowa and the Iovaneau theories. But we are sure that Iowa is a government conspiracy. The government pays people to claim that they are from Iowa or have been there. The government also pays reference companies to put Iowa in encyclopedias and on maps.
I was about to loudly disclaim your little theory, as my dad is from Iowa (as well as his brothers and sisters) when I remembered that he's in the military. Naturally this would cater to your paranoia. Hmm..
Some people who claim to have been to "Iowa" really believe themselves. What really happens is that the person in question drives into "Iowa" and after driving through some corn fields, he or she is stopped by the Men in White Jackets (MiWJ). These MiWJ take the person in question and put them through a series of treatments designed to make him or her believe that he or she spent the last few days in "Iowa". Then, the person is put back on the road and returned to whatever place he or she came from.
I was also about to come down on you for this, because I did go to Iowa on a trip with my dad and two of his siblings, when I realized that I didn't exactly remember anything of Iowa, just the trip up there. That's weird, ... but I've gotten letters from people there! ..Though that was through my dad... and I never actually met any of them... Man I've got the creepy feeling that...
(The conversation recording was stopped at this point because David Paralovnoid, the 5 years old son of Mr. Paralovnoid, found the wiretap, played with it and broke it.)
Literary credit for the above piece is due to Ben Ryan and Matt Whelan, the original inventors of the Iowa Conspiracy Theory. Their E-mail addresses are withheld as a defense against spam-mongers.